~once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right~

Suan Mokkh, my tormentor, my teacher.

Where to begin? I guess, first, I must as objectively as possible supply the bare necessities to understand the particular tradition of Buddhism (Theravada) in the way it was taught to me. Then I'll discuss the structure of the retreat, my experiences, and share some personal insights acquired in the process. If any of these four sections don't interest you, skip them. I'll caution that the fourth part in particular, my insights, is a bit personal, strong, maybe even radical, so don't even bother reading it if you're not open to entertaining different perspectives. And if you do read it and think I've gone cookoo afterwards, do me a fsvor and have at leadt one more conversation with me before writing me off. You'll see thst I'm the same as always with only a few new perspectives I'm toying with. I won't apologize for them, though. I will apologize for the length of this post and only mention that it reflects 11 very meaningful days in my life. And I'll apologize for the lack of pictures but reiterate that a silent Buddhist meditation retreat is no place for photography (you'll have to take my word that the nature I was surrounded with was spectacular!)

FOUNDATION
All Buddhism is founded on four basic principles:
1) All life is suffering/unsatisfactoriness (Dhukka).
2) Dukkha originates from attachment/desire/craving/clinging.
3) Dukkha can be stopped.
4) The eightfold path will lead to the cessation of Dukkha.
If any of this interests you (including what the eightfold path consists of), read about it on the web.

Theravada is an attempt to cleanse Buddhism of the culture specific superstitious gunk that has accumulated in its scriptures over the years and return to the origins of the Buddha's (enlightened one's) original Pali teachings. This means discarding Tibetan fables about demons and titans, condescending against superfluous zen haikus, and following Buddha's simple discourse on what forces govern our lives, what we need to do to end suffering, and how an enlightened person will see the world.

In this vein, a point I found most interesting was that although reincarnation and kammha (karma) are thought to be central tenets of the worldview, Buddha never actually mentions reincarnation. The notion is a mistranslation of the Pali word for birth into rebirth so that Indian princes, 1000 years after Buddha, could herd their flocks into doing good (I happily accepted this and all other supernatural redactions). These are the basic foundational beliefs of the 3 monks teaching us, more or less devoted dissiples of the highly esteemed late monk Buddhadasa (Budda's slave) who founded the monestary. He was one of Thailand's most famous monks. Most other Buddhists, including Theravada, do accept reincarnation.

We were taught that enlightenment is conciousness realizing itself. It's the realization that no I or you or that exists. There are no objects or subjects but just energy taking on different, impermanent forms. The impermanence causes natural suffering because of our (not truly 'our' but the 6 senses - mind, body, taste, sound, smell, sight - of conciousness creating the illusion of 'our') attatchment and craving for permanence in a natural state of impermanence. Buddhists believe that every time one of the forms of conciousness, conditioned through a lifetime of ignorance, percieves an object, a new illusion of self, or ego, is born. Hence countless references to 'birth' in the buddhist scriptures mistranslated as rebirth. Therefore, the cessation of craving and desire will lead to the cessation of Dukkha. The way to achieve both of these is through meditation. The particular breed of meditation taught to us, Anapanasiti, means mindfullness through breathing.

STRUCTURE
4:00 AM wake up bell
4:30 AM 5 minute morning reading then sitting meditation
5:15 AM yoga
7:00 AM Dhamma (nature/reality/truth) talk
8:00 AM food reflection, breakfast and free time
10:00 AM Dhamma talk, sitting then walking meditation
12:30 PM food reflection, lunch and free time
2:30 PM Dhamma talk, walking then sitting meditation
5:00 PM Pali chanting then Loving Kindness meditation
6:00 PM tea, hot chocolate soy milk and free time
7:30 PM sitting then walking then sitting meditation
9:00 PM bedtime
9:30 PM lights out

These were the first 4 days. They started replacing Dhamma talks with meditation on day 5, and finally day 9 was 1 meal and nothing but meditation; day 10 was like the first few plus manual labor and group sharing before bed. This structure may seem monotonous at worst but hardly unbearable. Why would 10-15% of participants drop? Ah the colorful details...

EXPERIENCES
Verbal silence is imposed at all times. That means no excuse me's, bless you's or even thank you's, let alone shared feeling or idle banter. Physical and mental silence is encouraged, meaning no wandering minds, no noises and no recreational writing (I broke and wrote a poem down on day 9 :-/ also I could not stop endless music playing in my head, throughout).  Mindfullness is to be practiced at all times. This means when walking, focus ONLY on your footsteps, when brushing teeth ONLY on that, etc. Daytime temperture ranged from 90 to 100 degrees with evenings cooling down to the 70s. And ahhhhhhh the damn misquitos!!! The first few days I tried not to put the toxic spray crap on but suffered at least 50 bites a day. Mornings and nights were catostrophic but it wouldn't be rare to catch a dozen or more nips during the day. Through t shirts through socks through pants. Wrap a blanket around and your body is steaming inside, pouring buckets of sweat out, and still the little demons find pockets of unprotected flesh to nozzle through. Had enough Dukkha yet? Oh by the way, you should be practicing mindfullness, focussing on breathing, absolutely NOT killing the misquitos, and, oh yeah, meditating! Good luck. But you know, by the end of it, entranced in meditation, I was able to notice the little buggers land, suck, and leave without stirring. THAT is patience! But the hardest part wasn't the drowsy mornings, bland meals, itchy days, hungry nights, or even sleeping on a wooden pillow on a bamboo mat on a concrete shelf, in a tiny cell; it was being trapped inside my own head for 10 days straight. Anger, shame, hatred, loneliness, depression assault you periodically like a swarm of hornets. You don't know when they will strike or why. It could be that last a-hole who dilly dalies in filling up his bowl at lunch time so we all have to wait for him to say the food reflection. It could the beautiful dragonfly that you want desperately to call your neighbor's attention to. It could be the barage of mistakes you've made that persist in squeezing your concience while you're trying to meditate. It could be the pretty girl over there who's name you wish you knew (guys and girls sit separately and dress modestly to avoid unavoidable unnecessary distractions). And every time that cancerous question pops up in your mind like a scorpion in your blanket rousing up a storm of flustered fury: "why shouldn't I just leave right now? I can meditate a bit, I know the monastic life isn't for me, why am I torturing myself like this?" And you never really get the answer to that question but you just dust yourself off and go back to meditating. Or maybe the answer finally came in an unexpected way. After a stunningly clear moonlit sky on night nine and a rewarding hour to lie under it, after what could have been the most refreshing sunrise I'd ever seen the following morning, Ajahn Po, the 82 year old ex abbot delivered his final talk. His wisdom and a very successful meditation session that immediately followed triggered my greatest insight. I'll get to that toward the end. First, a couple lesser, but still valuable, ones. Keep inmind these ideas havent even fully digested in my mind and are extremely difficult toarticulate. Maybe you'll think they're dumb or cheesy or maybe you'll think that ten crazy days like this can warp anyone's mind into stupidity or maybe you'll immediately ridicule the thoughts then step back and give them at least a bit of consideration before writing me off as another overdosed antichrist hippy prophet. Just a few more ideas to bounce around your skull, that's all. Can't do any harm, right?

INSIGHTS
1) There exist 7 billion parallel realities. There is an objective reality, a physical world, matter, energy, particals, forms, objects floating around. And there is an internal, subjective reality called conciousness. Conciousness is a reflection of the objective reality conditioned by perception, thoughts, and feelings. When I see a toy truck with my eyes, my eyes are the subject and the toy truck the object. But immediately I notice its blue color and I think, I've always liked blue, I think of a similar truck I had as a child and miss my childhood. Immediately, that neutral toy truck takes on a positive connotation in my mind. Or maybe I think of the underpaid chinese workshop slaves who made that truck and I think its a symbol of american vanity. Or say I think of welfare and I realize how my family wouldn't have adjusted to living in the united states without welfare checks. I accept welfare as a positive social construct. Or maybe I think of the millions who have spent their entire lives on welfare and think how it's dragging down our economy and incentivizing laziness. My reality posits that it is a negative social force. But all along the physical objective reality remains neutral. It doesn't care about me or my family or the chinese or humanity or organic matter or the world. None of that stuff matters to the true objective reality. Individually, we assign value to things, whether we do so conciously or it's slowly injected in you by the religion your mom or dad brought you up on, or what the latest reading at the marxist circle you've been attending planted in you. Call it buddhism or existentialism or maybe recognize that the two are sides of the same coin. But if we scrape away the filmy layers of socialization, if we skin our ego of the by products of perception, thought, and feeling we come to a dull, grey reality, but the only objective one there ever was or will be: perfect equinimity. And the fact remains thst while no one will ever know the pure dull reality there are 7 billion versions of "things as they truly are" delusions floating around. And it's very difficult, heck in most cases impossible, to entice someone else to hop off their little floating cloud and onto yours.

2) Belief is slavery. Any and all forms. Whether it's the adament assertion that the scientific method is the only reliable teacher in life, or the firm knowledge that the village medicine man can heal your soul after chugging down ayawasca, or the notion that God loves you and wants you to follow His good word. The moment we accept a value or ideal or principle and rank it above others we commit our morality to that ideal. We shackle ourselves to feel guilt every time we act in a manner that does not uphold the ideal and reward ourselves when we abide by it. We dismiss the fragments of reality that appear dissonant and embrace those that resonate with our "noble truth". Finally, our actions change. We put forth concious, considerable efforts to progress our value whether its philanthropy or joining the army or creating an intentional living community on the fringes of society that worships aliens and mayans its all driven by our desire to please our Master. But here's the most important part to remember: we choose our own masters. Or at least we should. It seems like a good idea to put as little reliance on other people's master instead choosing the one that appeals to us most, individually.

3) Thankfully the excruciating philosophy ends here. This insight is more personal and less offensive. Throughout the retreat I started realizing that it felt good to meditate. I decided I liked it and would want to carry it on to every day "life after Buddhism". It shouldn't be too hard,  right? An hour a day. I can find that sort of time. Oh, and yoga, too. I could notice a distinct freer, looser, happier body after my morning yoga sessions. I'd make sure to find time for that too. Oh but there's still chess. I've told myself I'm going to get better for a long time. When I get back I'll be sure to play regularly. And dang I really got to got GOT TO pick up the guitar again. In london I had like a dozen tunes that I wrote thst were awesome so I got to get back to that level. And if I find the time I'll learn the mandolin and accordian, too. I've always wanted to pick those up. And of course I have to continue writing recrearionally. And I already told myself I'll start going to the gym again every day so I can't waver on that. I'll find time to keep reading before bed and learning russian and maybe even pick up a latin book again. And on and on and on until I got myself so overwhelmed, so worked up, that I decided to give up on meditation, and then yoga. And then I realized thst this fall I open the first page of the hardest chapter in my life. I'm taking 4 phd level classes. I'm working 20 RA hours a week. I'll be at the library 50 hours a week. I won't have time for ANY of it. At all. That's an utterly depressing thought when you have as many passions and interests as me. I was crushed. Until the morning of day 10 when I heard Ajahn Po speak. He told us that we were lucky and not just for the normal reasons. He said we're lucky because we're in sound mental health. We're not crazy so we have the opportunity to bring joy into the world for others. We can do acts which benefit the world. And that reminded me of why I enlisted for this painful meticulous academic life in the first place. It'll be the greatest opportunity I'll ever have to discover the knowledge that can bring benefit to the world on a wide scale. Whether I'll ever get to that level is questionable and realistically improbable but it's sure as hell what I've always aimed for and what I'll continue to aim for. Meditating immediately after this insight I had a 'doh' *facepalm* "OF COURSE!" moment. Humans! That's what the universe evolved us here to do. That's what our 'niche' is in the world. Thats why we dont have sonar like dolphins or the superpower of sleep like bears. Our unique gift is to feel pleasure not just when we improve our own environment and that of those immediately surrounding us. We are capable on enjoying philanthropy and altruism! (As an economist I firmly maintain thst we do those things solely because they give us pleasure and not out of some pure selflessness). We are stimulated to act in such a manner that actually improves life for other people, for other animals, for plants, for the entire planet, even! That's got to be it! Our "purpose" for existence - a phrase I've always loathed but have suddenly come to understand.

And so my mind came full circle. I understood that my academic pursuits, what I'm dedicating my life to, is to bring benefit into the world. Somehow some way I will aim to do so. And I won't be able to do it unless I'm happy with and about myself. So as for those distractions that were cluttering my head before, I could see clearly now that they're not so important. I need to do the bare minimun of those things to maintain a positive mindset and physical health, and the rest is nonsense. A mere obstacle to the task at hand. Marvel comics never had a superhero that played chess real well. And no one ever made their mom cry proud tears of joy going to the gym. And so, my life, my values, and my obstacles were shifted into perspective.

And as for the rest of my time here on holiday, well I guess all that's left now is to enjoy it. Thinking and suffering over, I've made my way toward Koh Pha-ngan, infamous for its 40,000 people crowds during the full moon parties. And guess what?Tonight happens to be a full moon. It's time for Buddha to venture out of his cave and make some friends to share the party with. And if you've made it this far into my head without vomiting I want to thank you for giving me a venue to voice my inner monologue. I think everyone should try something like this sometime.